On giving my first talk

The emotional comedown is real, let me tell you.

The moment I finished speaking, my eyes welled up.

And when I was finally able to turn my camera off, I let the tears fall.

I just gave my first ever talk on disabled joy. And it went so well.

Let me give you some context.

Five weeks ago, I started Iona Holloway’s Star Power Speaker program. The premise is simple: in five weeks, you write, memorize, and deliver a talk.

The execution? A lot of work.

The first three weeks were about writing the thing. I knew I wanted to talk about disabled joy and what it means to me, but that was about it.

I had a sense of the stories I wanted to tell — including the story of how I became disabled in the first place — but not how to formulate that into a ten-minute (!) talk that people could receive and take something valuable from.

That’s where Iona came in.

She poked and prodded my first few drafts until they became a talk that felt entirely my own AND something people wanted to hear.

Next came embodying the talk.

This was about memorization, sure, but only on the surface. It was also about spending time with what I had written.

Internalizing it as a core piece of me.

Experiencing it within my body and practicing it as I was showering, on a walk with the dog, while making a smoothie.

It felt like I was constantly in conversation with myself.

During this time, Iona also prepared us for delivering the talk itself.

How we should feel in our body. How to harness the nerves. How to project our voice. Where to punctuate to make sure the ideas landed. How to slow the fuck down.

Then, yesterday, just five weeks after I started crafting it, I gave the talk I now know I was meant to give.

I talked about my path to disabled joy, starting with the accident that made me disabled, and how I’ve evolved my relationship with my disability.

I shared the three steps I recommend others take in their pursuit of disabled joy:

• Learn to love all of you, paired with a poignant quote by the late Alice Wong: “The many identities you hold, and your lived experiences, aren’t in conflict with each other. They make you sharp, whole, and extraordinary.”

• Find your mirrors, where I shared how Rebekah Taussig’s Sitting Pretty was the first time when I had my own stories reflected back at me.

• Throw a party and celebrate the moments that have led to the life you now have.

And as I finished my ten minutes, I said these words:

“The Ali who fell was certain that joy would remain out of reach. That she would have to settle for less. I have never been more glad to say that she was wrong.”

In that moment, I realized exactly who I was giving this talk for: my 14-year old self. And she showed up beside me, and my voice cracked as I delivered the last couple of lines.

I had to wait a few minutes for Iona to take me off the Zoom spotlight, but then a turned off my camera and burst into tears.

Because I did it.

Because I showed up for the version of me that felt so alone.

Because I know she would be so damn proud.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from this it’s to do the things that you feel called to do — because they are the ones that will make you the proudest when you accomplish them.

I can’t wait to keep working on new versions of this talk and to take it out into the world.

And to find other ways to show up for myself and my community in other spaces.

I can’t wait.